Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: "Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!"
American River Parkway
Sacramento, California
Theology professor: "I can talk about whores and sex with animals... It's in the Bible!"
Providence College
Providence, Rhode Island
Guy #1: Me and Jeff and doin' some drugs tonight. Wanna come?
Guy #2: I don't do drugs.
Guy #1: You smoked pot with me the other day.
Guy #2: Weed isn't a drug.
Guy #1: Yes, it is!
Guy #2: No, it's not... [To passerby] Is weed a drug?
Passerby: Depends.
Holy Trinity Catholic High School
Kanata, Ontario
Canadia
Mother: I'm going to sell you to the zoo.
Child: No, sell me to Jesus!
Billings, Montana
College girl #1: You know that Make-a-Wish Foundation? I wonder what I would wish for if I was given the chance.
College girl #2: My wish would be for someone to make a cake in the shape of my body... with my face on it... And that the Spice Girls would come and help me eat it.
College girl #1: Oooh, that's a good wish.
London
England
Little boy wearing necklace: Mom, can I change my name to 'Elizabeth'?
Frazzled mom: No, I told you -- that's a girl's name, and you're a boy.
Little boy: Well, can I change to a girl?
Frazzled mom: Not until you're eighteen.
Wegmans
Rochester, New York
Italian exchange student: Why do you celebrate Thanksgiving in America?
Teacher: Because of the pilgrims! Anyone want to explain?
Student: The pilgrims can suck it!
Marcos de Niza High School
Tempe, Arizona
Tall brunette: ... And so I said I didn't want herpes, but he was like, 'Oh, they're no big deal.'
Short blonde: Well, did you sleep with him?
Tall brunette: Of course I did. Like he said, herpes are no big deal. Just a little itching and stuff... Besides, it's not like I can ever get them again. It's like chicken pox -- once you get it, you don't get it again.
Math major nearby, yelling: Do you mind taking your dumb, STD-having ass somewhere I'm not trying to eat?! [Other students cheer.]
Bentley Dining Hall, Lock Haven University
Pennsylvania
Drunk freshman: I love it here! Look, even the street sparkles!
Passing upperclassman: That's broken glass.
Richmond, Virginia
Dude playing Wii: That's gonna be my one year anniversary with my Wii. I should take it out and buy it a purse...
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent, then erupts with laughter.]
Professor, embarrassed: I meant because beavers live around the water!
History class, Northern Virginia Community College
Annandale, Virginia
Old woman: Should you really be drinking with your condition?
Young guy: What condition?
Old woman: Y'know -- the crazy and all.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we're gonna make sure we don't have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]
Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey
Professor: I just think of this class as 40 days in a row and then it's over. Like the Jews in Egypt.
Student: It was 40 years.
Professor: 40 years, 40 days. Same difference.
Northeastern University
Boston, Massachusetts
Dude: I have lots of friends in anarchist groups.
Chick: Doesn't an organized group of anarchists kind of defeat the purpose?
Dude: ... You're gay!
High school classroom
Englewood, Colorado
Professor: I went to college in Montreal, and one day I woke up on, like, the 16th floor of some high rise building with this beautiful Arabian girl next to me, and I didn't know where I was or what was happening. It was great.
Student: And then you woke up again from your dream.
Professor: Well, then she ruined the next six months of my life. I don't know why I told you this story.
Hartford, Connecticut
Philosophy professor: I know you'd all rather drink a bucket of hamster vomit than read a book.
Overheard in Miami
Dude #1: So, yeah -- I woke up last night and I had cramps.
Dude #2: Like a girl?
Dude #1: Yeah, exactly like a girl. They were in that area... You know, that area near your penis but that's also near your belly button. It has a lot of hair and skin. I dunno.
Dude #2: Whoa, you might have, like, an ovary or something.
Dude #1: I guess anything's possible.
Ohio State University
Columbus, Ohio
Chick: If you could be friends with any three people, who would they be?
Dude: Hitler, Jesus, and Bill Cosby.
High school
Englewood, Colorado
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