ha i love Jack Handy pt.2

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

ha

BALHDGOHOEf;ajeio

well as if i havent complained about it enough, I HAVE FRICKIN' MONO. I have no idea where i got it from. i dont know anyone who has had mono recently, and i havent kissed anyone in like, 2 months. wtf.

Amazing Quotes from 'The Watchmen'

"Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many? Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution ... and there is so little time." -Walter Kovacs/Rorschach


"Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense." -Edward Blake/The Comedian


"There is no future. There is no past. Do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet." -Jon Osterman/Doctor Manhattan


"By the way, you need a stronger lock. That new one broke after one shove." -Walter Kovacs/Rorschach


"(In Rorschach's Journal) Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No." They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father or President Truman. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloodly Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth-talkers... and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say." -Walter Kovacs/Rorschach


Rorschach: [examining the same inkblot test, the second time, and answering honestly] Dog. Dog with head split in half.
Dr. Long: And, uh. What do you think split the dog's head. In half.
Rorschach: I did.


Rorschach: There. Did what had to be done. Can leave now.
Laurie: Really? Are you sure? We don't want to get too reckless and go diving headfirst into things!
Rorschach: (Having just drowned Big Figure in a toilet bowl) Hurm. Good advice. Sure there are many who would agree with you.


Doctor Manhattan: Thermodynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing. And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter... Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle.
Laurie Juspeczyk: But... if me, my birth, if that's a thermodynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anybody in the world!
Dr. Manhattan: Yes. Anybody in the world... But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from the another's vantage point. As if new, it may still take our breath away. Come... dry your eyes. For you are life, rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly. Dry your eyes... and let's go home.

I <3 Jason Segel

the best part is he was already writing a dracula puppet musical in his real life before this movie came along.