S.A.D.

I hate the winter.
I feel like i am going crazy and theres nothing i can do to stop it. I'm drowning.
... i thought it would be so easy to write my feelings. its weird hearing a voice, inner monolouge, in my head again, or at all for that matter. I havent had clear thoughts for days because i didnt need them. because i have nothing to do i have no reason to shower, no reason to brush my teeth, or change out of my pajamas, or shave my legs. I have lost my will to do anything, except maybe cry. I seem to do that just fine.
Its depressing listening to myself write this as if anyone will read and understand it. Imagining it as a Diane Keaton movie or something. Imagining all this being read by an actress far more well spoken, and far more beautiful than i could hope to be. yes, this tragedy that is my life will now by my screen play and then i wont be depressed anymore. i will magically have all this money from writing this fantastic screenplay and i wont have Seasonal Affective Disorder because i'll never have to be here during winter.
I wont feel doomed or useless, or miserable, because at the end of my screenplay Diane keaton learns to love herslf and learns to make herself happy, somehow. it would be terrible if she lived her whole life with this crippling chemical embalance and was never truelyhappy the rest of her life, right?
its never been this bad. I've neveer felt so low.
Any chance of hope i reason away with brutal cynicism. I keep distancing myself from people who love me, mostly because i know they dont want my personal baggage, and partly because i'm no sure what all that baggage entails. i dotn know whats wrong, i dont know why i cant snap out of it, i dont know why i miss everyone but i never call and see how they're doing. i dont know why i complaine about doing nothing but never go out when someone asks me on short notice.
what if they are just better off without me, but then i cant help but feel left out when i see facebook pictures.

I wan to sing again. I want to make people happy with my voice. is that pretentious? mostly i just want the praise... pathetic. My mind is a mess. i dont think i've had one cohearant thought, rambling about Diane keaton and drowning... and yet they are somehow related. hm.



p.s. i know i spelled things wrong. i just dont care.