its just that that's the only time i feel like writing, usually. I'm sick. i dont know what it is, i just hope its not the flu, or mono. Probably not mono because i rarely get kissed these days, nor do i go around licking other peoples used silverware... anymore.
Symptoms:
-Massive headache
-Neck ache
-dizziness
-Lower and upper back pain
-shortness of breath
-sleepiness
-a lot of phlegm
*BUT no fever. Yet.
On top of that, i feel like i'm disappearing. like, i need someone to physically hold on to me so i dont 'dissolve into molecules.' i know i've said this all before, but i hate that i feel this way so often. i hate that i feel so pliable. I just want to lay in bed and have someones arms around me making me feel better.
I hate that i still think of J. i hate wondering if his last poem was about me. i hate hoping that someday when he is ready he'll find me. But how stupid would i be to let him in again!? Every date i have been on recently, every boy i've met, i pray that they will make me laugh as much as he did. That they will make me a fraction as happy. It doesnt matter if they were good guys, they werent him. I feel so fucking pathetic because of that. I hate not knowing if i'll ever feel that way about someone ever again.
I hate watching Aaron take care of katie. she is sick too and he went out in a snowstorm to go pick her up and make sure she was ok. They are so disgustingly cute. I hope i get to have that someday. i want to stop looking for 'the one' i just want him to be there and then i realize, i'm only 20 years old!! I'm just at the beginning of this horrible horrible game that I am destined to keep losing until i'm like, 35 and then im so numb that i'll settle for the first guy who makes a decent offer. Doomed to a mediocre life.
im terrified.
***UPDATE*** I do have a temperature now. 100.1
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3 comments:
please go to the doctor.
dude we are all feeling that way. and it blows, but at least we have each other right? right!
You are not slipping away, you have someone perfect out there for you searching too just be patient. Like Katelyn said we all have days when our fears try to take over...but don't let them!I love you.
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