I really do need to get out of the habit of writing depressing blogs.

its just that that's the only time i feel like writing, usually. I'm sick. i dont know what it is, i just hope its not the flu, or mono. Probably not mono because i rarely get kissed these days, nor do i go around licking other peoples used silverware... anymore.

Symptoms:
-Massive headache
-Neck ache
-dizziness
-Lower and upper back pain
-shortness of breath
-sleepiness
-a lot of phlegm
*BUT no fever. Yet.

On top of that, i feel like i'm disappearing. like, i need someone to physically hold on to me so i dont 'dissolve into molecules.' i know i've said this all before, but i hate that i feel this way so often. i hate that i feel so pliable. I just want to lay in bed and have someones arms around me making me feel better.

I hate that i still think of J. i hate wondering if his last poem was about me. i hate hoping that someday when he is ready he'll find me. But how stupid would i be to let him in again!? Every date i have been on recently, every boy i've met, i pray that they will make me laugh as much as he did. That they will make me a fraction as happy. It doesnt matter if they were good guys, they werent him. I feel so fucking pathetic because of that. I hate not knowing if i'll ever feel that way about someone ever again.

I hate watching Aaron take care of katie. she is sick too and he went out in a snowstorm to go pick her up and make sure she was ok. They are so disgustingly cute. I hope i get to have that someday. i want to stop looking for 'the one' i just want him to be there and then i realize, i'm only 20 years old!! I'm just at the beginning of this horrible horrible game that I am destined to keep losing until i'm like, 35 and then im so numb that i'll settle for the first guy who makes a decent offer. Doomed to a mediocre life.

im terrified.


***UPDATE*** I do have a temperature now. 100.1