I <3 Mitch Hedberg

I got a “Do-Not-Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It says “Do Not Disturb”; it’s time we go with “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. “Don’t disturb”; “Do Not” psyches you out. “Do”: “Alright, I get to disturb this guy”. “Not”: “Shit! I need to read faster!”


I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”


I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy’s house. “Sir, you’ve got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”

I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? Every McDonald’s commercials end like this: “Prices and participation may vary.” Now I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say,”Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets.”

I got an oscillating fan at my house, the fan goes back and forth; it looks like it’s saying “no.” So I like[, ask] it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the [plug out]. Now you ain’t saying shit.”

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. “DAMMIT, OTTO, YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC.” “DAMMIT, OTTO, YOU HAVE LUPUS.” One of those two doesn’t sound right.

I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying.

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut…some sceptical friend?: “Hey man! Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…damn…I forgot it at home… it’s in the filing cabinet…under D…for doughnut.”

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

I like an escalator, man, ’cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign, only “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Fact That You Can Still Get Up There “

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really”. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat operator.”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

You know, on a traffic light green means go, and red means stop, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on… Yellow means go ahead, and red means “Where the fuck did you get that banana at?”

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.

The other day I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn’t start to move shit into a truck.

I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.

Say, I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day, I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport, a guy came up, he said, “Dude! I saw you on TV last night!” But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good; he just confirmed I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then i turned it back. I said, “Dude! I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.”

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

My roommate said, he goes, “I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I like the American-Canadian border, ‘cuz if you’re walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, ‘cuz first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?”:[Points to the side] “That asshole.”

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Hey, if you['re trying to get to] sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals; you will run out.