ok i cant help but REALLY like this video

i hate pop music for the most part. but this video for some reason i just really like! i cant help it, GAHH i wish i could dance!!!


Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)




p.s. you guys suck at commenting!

I won't give up on you, you know thats what i'm sayin'

So i've decided to be a Freudian Slip because its quick and easy, but still clever. and i rarely have the opportunity to be clever. I'd be Cher, but i would over think it and probably spend way too much money trying to achieve 'the cher-ness'

In other news, my job is sending me to Indiana for 2 weeks to train another restaurant! more money,free plane tickets, free food, free hotel... but 10 hour days 6 days a week. I'm sure it will get old, but its too much money to pass up. and it would be awesome to put on a resume 'Corporate Trainer.'
Although i wont be able to traditionally vote, which i'm kind of bummed about. since i'm already registered i just walk into an office and fill out the ballot. i dont get to go into a booth or anything- which is what i was kinda geeking out about. Sounds fun to me haha.

I also get to go to Arizona/ Las Vegas the week after christmas to visit my parents! so hey, californians, we should TOTALLY meet in Vegas! that would truely be badass because i miss everyone like crazy.

You know what my comfort foods are? I figured them out i think, the Misquette Chicken from Quiznos, and Corned beef. odd, but i immediately feel at ease when i eat these 2 foods.... wow that sounds so pathetic. what are your comfort foods? ...please answer so i dont feel like such a fatty.

I've also renewed my love for the movie Dan in Real Life.... it really is that good. i know some disagree with me, but i just... *sigh* it makes me so happy :)

this post is all over the place. why not end it with a cute video of micro teacup chihuahua's!?

Ok, so you guys are officially not helpful at all!!

Alright help me out now guys, top 4 costume ideas:

1.Freudian Slip

2.Raisin

3.leaf blower

4. Cher*



*ok, so for those who dont know, i do a really really lame cher impression that i'm pretty sure only i will think is funny at this party im going to seeing how i wont know anyone. But it would be kinda fun to dress like a tranny (pretty much).

Halloween Costume Ideas.

So this is like, my first costume party that i havent thrown myself. i want to dress to impress so i need some creative ideas. i've snooped around and here are my options, thus far (Votes and Opinions are greatly needed):



1. Sarah Palin

2. Eggs over easy (i'd make something that looks like eggs and put it on my head and then dress really slutty- eggs over easy...get it?)

3. Smartie Pants (bag of smarties on jeans)

4. IPod commercial



5.A Cereal Killer
Directions: This one is easy and clever for grown-ups or older kids. Wear white sweatshirt and black pants. Go to the grocery store and buy the 8-pack of miniature cereal boxes. There are several ways to make this one happen (Krazy Glue, rolled clear packing tape), but basically you are going to affix these cereal boxes to your sweatshirt and pants (not while you're wearing them). Use a knife to 'viciously' cut open the boxes- glue some of the pieces of Fruit Loops, etc so it looks like they are spilling out of the box. You can get creative with fake blood or food coloring 'dripping' around your outfit. You should affix a knife to your shirt too. Bam. You're a cereal killer! Clever, cheap creative Halloween costume for sure!


6.Easy Halloween Costume: Freudian Slip
Directions:Get a one-piece white slip and write FREUD on it with a thick black marker. Now what could be an easier Halloween costume than that?!

7.Kat Von D.
Directions: this one could be kinda fun, i'd just draw tattoos all over my body and face and wear a lot of make up

8. Homeless person (will work/dance for candy?)

9. Raisin
Directions:black trash yard bag

10. Melted Snow Man
Directions: Drench yourself in water and carry around two sticks, a scarf and a carrot.

11. 5. Chia Pet
Directions: Wrap yourself in duct tape so the sticky part is facing out, then roll around on the lawn.


12. Used Car Salesman
Directions: Wear a bright plaid polyester suit and slicked-back hair. Hand out business cards and tell everyone you can get them a "great deal!".

13. Ceiling Fan
Directions: Write "Go Ceilings!" on the front of your shirt. Add other gear if you want (pom poms, big foam finger, etc.) And don't forget to cheer!

14.Leaf Blower:
Directions: Wear a baseball cap with a leaf dangling down in front of your face. When someone asks what you are, blow on the leaf!




Thoughts?

If I won the Lottery.

So i thought this would be kinda fun* to figure out. If after taxes i ended up winning 100 million dollars, what would i spend it on? Well let me break it down!
*fun/torment?

1. First i would buy the 2009 Toyota Camry Hybrid. I love my camry, i really, really do. But lets face it, its 14 years old and will probably die soon (my poor Raquel baby!). so i'd need new wheels, and this car not only is beautiful, but its practicle. if my 1994 camry has lasted me this long, i'm sure the 2009 would go even longer. so there goes my first $19,145.



2. I would pay off all my student loans: $35,000

3. I would pay off all my personal debt: $1,000

4. Pay off all my families debt: $40,000 (thats just a guesstimate but i thought i'd rather be over than under)

5. Pay off all my sisters student loans: $100,000

6. Buy a really nice apartment/condo in Minneapolis (preferably near Lake Calhoun): I'm not really sure how much this would cost... i'lll just say... $15,000?
+8,000 for all the stuff to put into the new apartment



7. Buy my parents a nice house in Scottsdale AND in Minnesota so they can be Snow Birds: $1.5 Million



8. Travel the world. Now i'm not limiting this to a certain amount of time, over the years i'd want to travel all over AND i want to pay for my friends to come with so: $2,000,000

9. Fund my sisters missionary work so she can focus on where God wants her to go, and never have to worry about the 'how': $3,000,000

10. Set up a scholarship fund for anyone who has the heart to go to the Stieger International Disciplship Training School in New Zealand: $25 Million

11. Buy a boat... what can i say, i've always wanted a boat heh..: $600,000



12. Buy 2 dogs a Puggle (a cross between a pug and a beagle), and a Shiba Inu: $800






13.Buy New clothes (i am a girl after all): $4,000

14. Buy all the movies i've ever wanted: $2,500

15. Invest in the de-salination of water, and wind energy: $1,000,000

16. Buy the Salvage Yard a church of their own: $1,000,000

17. Buy a really nice computer: $3,000

18. Buy enough books to make my own little library: $2,000



19. Make a CD, why not!: $7,000

20. Sit front row at a Broadway Show with all of my friends: $1,000

21. Employ a personal chef (ideally Ina Garten aka Barefoot Contessa) and maid for the rest of my life: $2,000,000



20,000
+35,000
+1,000
+40,000
+100,000
+15,000
+8,000
+1,500,000
+2,000,000
+3,000,000
+25,000,000
+600,000
+800
+4,000
+2,500
+1,000,000
+1,000,000
+3,000
+2,000
+7,000
+1,000
+2,000,000
-------------
=$36,339,300


So that leaves me $63,660,700 left to leave in a bank and let it acrue interest to leave to my children someday. Any suggestions?

I <3 Mitch Hedberg

I got a “Do-Not-Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It says “Do Not Disturb”; it’s time we go with “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. “Don’t disturb”; “Do Not” psyches you out. “Do”: “Alright, I get to disturb this guy”. “Not”: “Shit! I need to read faster!”


I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”


I bought a house, it’s a two-bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? Fuck you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy’s house. “Sir, you’ve got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”

I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? Every McDonald’s commercials end like this: “Prices and participation may vary.” Now I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say,”Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets.”

I got an oscillating fan at my house, the fan goes back and forth; it looks like it’s saying “no.” So I like[, ask] it questions that a fan would say “no” to. “Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the [plug out]. Now you ain’t saying shit.”

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. “DAMMIT, OTTO, YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC.” “DAMMIT, OTTO, YOU HAVE LUPUS.” One of those two doesn’t sound right.

I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying.

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut…some sceptical friend?: “Hey man! Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…damn…I forgot it at home… it’s in the filing cabinet…under D…for doughnut.”

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

I like an escalator, man, ’cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign, only “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Fact That You Can Still Get Up There “

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really”. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat operator.”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

You know, on a traffic light green means go, and red means stop, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on… Yellow means go ahead, and red means “Where the fuck did you get that banana at?”

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

This shirt is “dry-clean only,” which means it’s dirty.

The other day I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn’t start to move shit into a truck.

I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.

Say, I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day, I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport, a guy came up, he said, “Dude! I saw you on TV last night!” But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good; he just confirmed I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then i turned it back. I said, “Dude! I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.”

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

My roommate said, he goes, “I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I like the American-Canadian border, ‘cuz if you’re walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, ‘cuz first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?”:[Points to the side] “That asshole.”

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Hey, if you['re trying to get to] sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals; you will run out.