ha i love Jack Handy pt.2

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.